Sirius Black: Mary Sue Hunter
by Captain Boo Bear
Summary: There's a Suedemic at Hogwarts, and only Sirius Black, aided by that specky boy wonder who's always hanging around, can stop it. Thirteen up.
1. Prelude

**Sirius Black: Mary-Sue Hunter**

Sirius Black had been fifteen when he met Destiny Night.

He had sensed something in the ever-present sparkle in her haunted-yet-beautiful amethyst gaze; the way she swayed her hips when she walked without being at all slutty; the way she was simultaneously misunderstood and adored by everyone. Even James was enraptured, despite the fact that he had been clearly established to be in love with Lily.

Sirius had been watching her in awe one day, as had everyone (because she was the most important thing going on, despite the torture and bloody murder going on every other week). Destiny's hair had been rippling like gentle waves of raven-with-naturally-crimson-streaks-and-purple-tips...

Then it hit him.

"I'M THE ONLY CHARACTER IN THE HARRY POTTER UNIVERSE WHOSE HAIR CAN RIPPLE!"

And he had promptly blown her up, because he can do that.

Now, twenty years later, the Mary Sues were rallying their forces again...

And this time, they're more unbelievable than ever.

**... TO BE CONTINUED!**


	2. It Begins

**It Begins...**

Sirius regarded his godson soberly over the wooden tabletop.

"Sirius, have you been drinking?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Thank god; you scared me there for a moment. So what's up?"

Sirius leaned forward to peer into those emerald eyes. "It's Hermione," he whispered conspiratorially. "She's become one of _them_."

Harry blinked. "Sirius, there's no _way_ Hermione's a Death Eater! She's muggle-born, for chrissakes!"

Sirius shook his head gravely. "No. Far worse. She's a Sue, Harry."

Harry gasped. "No... it can't be..."

"_Maryitis Suelococcus _is highly contagious, Harry. She may have already transmitted it. I know this is hard, but –"

"_Harry!_"

They spun around. Hermione Granger was standing in the doorway, an ethereal smile on her face.

"I just got a letter from Dumbledore! Turns out I'm the long-lost seventh-cousin-thrice-removed's-transfigured-toaster of the Lestranges!"

All of a sudden her hair became long and sleek, her eyes became blue and sultry and her boobs tripled in size. Oh and her face, body and personality changed too. Yeah.

"Hermione!" Harry cried in horror.

Sirius clasped a protective hand on his shoulder. "She's not Hermione anymore, Harry."

"What... _is _she?"

"She's Hermione-Sue."


	3. Cue Theme Music

**-Cue Theme Music-**

He's bold! He's tough! And he's had _e-nough_!

Si-ri-us _Black_!

He hunts those Mary Sues!

With him we cannot lose!

And if he ends up in bed with a few,

Hey! At least he got a good screw!

Then he'll blast that Mary Sue!

Yeah he'll blast that Mary-_Sue_!

*cue twenty-minute guitar solo*


	4. Plot Device

**Plot Device**

Harry and Sirius watched in revulsion as Hermione-Sue pranced around Grimmauld Place, enchanting the Weasleys and talking with Kreacher in a smiley, empathetic way which instantaneously converted him against all his old beliefs despite his extreme lifelong devotion to them.

"This is just sick," Harry groaned.

"Tell me about it. I'm,like, 20 years older than her."

Harry looked at his godfather with renewed horror.

"It's not my fault!" Sirius protested.

"Whatever, paedophile."

Sirius glared at him. "Shut up and go to school."

"Huh? Since when is it time to go to school?"

"Since the author needed a plot device! GO!"

**-Forty Minutes Later-**

"And we missed the train. Thanks a lot, belated plot device."

While the Weasleys looked at Harry liked he was insane (debatable), Hermione flashed her movie-star smile. "Oh, I think we'll be okay." And she winked at Harry, making him want to both throw up and jump her. Simultaneously.

Suddenly! from Hermione's perfect, cashmere-clothed back sprouted –

"POP TART POWER!"

"Wow. I guess she really is the Lestranges' long-lost seventh-cousin-thrice-removed's-transfigured-toaster."

"Convenient."

So they all climbed aboard Hermione-Sue's (perfect, cashmere-clothed) back and flew to Hogwarts before the mechanics could be discussed. Which they won't be. Ever.

* * *

**a/n:**

Paedophile, oestrogen, foetus, paediatrician. It's not our fault Americans find the originals too hard.


	5. The Next Day

**The Next Day...**

"Sirius! You've gotta help us!"

"Holy shit, Harry! Your head's on fire!"

Harry's head sighed from inside the fireplace. "Sirius, you've _done _this before."

"_My _head's on fire? Oh, FUCK!"

"Sirius! Get a grip! God, how much Firewhiskey have you had today?"

"Just a few shots..."

Harry seemed less than believing.

"... to wash down the weed. But now I guess I'll need a few more, to put the fire out you know."

"JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN!"

"Fine." Sirius cast a quick sobriety charm and sat down. "But you better have a damn good reason for killing that buzz."

"The school is overrun with Sues!"

"What?" cried Sirius, aghast. "How could Dumbledore allow such a thing?"

"He's too busy working for the Order to care."

"Tch. I mean, what's more important, evil bimbos from hell or _Voldemort_?" He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Well that's okay. We just need someone on our side at Hogwarts; someone so out of touch with his own penis that he'll be immune to the Sueffects!"

"But _who_?"

"Well, I was thinking –"

"Sirius; I'm a fifteen-year-old boy. My hands should be permanently_ fixed _to my penis."

"Oh. So we're screwed."

"Pretty much."


	6. Ad Break

**-Ad Break-**

"Have YOU had enough of your neighbourhood Mary-Sue? With the new SueBlaster 3000™, every Sue turns to goo! Results guaranteed. Guarantee void in Albania, Arabia, Australia, Austria, Berlize, Bulgaria..."

"Will Aaron give in to Evangeline's charms? Of course he will. Wednesday 9:30, on _The_ _Stepford Sues_."

"... Persia, Poland, Portugal..."

"If you suspect Mary-Sue behaviour in fanfiction, you know your duty. If you suspect Mary-Sue behaviour in real life, I'd suggest you get one. This has been a public service announcement."


	7. Descending Darkness

**Descending Darkness (or other ominous alliterations)**

"The only way to curb a Suedemic," Sirius had informed Harry, "is to destroy the "originals", or OC Mary Sues. Then all the others should go back to normal."

But it seemed that every day, new OC-Sues were showing up. The Great Hall was overflowing, and there was never anywhere to sit in class. Many of them were American, and communication problems were rife – or they would be, if people actually _talked _to them instead of gaping dumbly like hippies on LSD.

On the plus side, they were pretty much all willing to stand up against Umbridge, which meant Harry was left with nothing to do but actually learn something, which he had been quite deprived of in previous years. (I blame the rock music.)

Any relief he felt, however, was eclipsed by what happened next.

Harry, Ron and Hermione-Sue had just traipsed into breakfast (although Hermione more skipped than anything), when someone floofed (that's totesa real word) down beside them, in a cloud of all-natural floral perfume.

"G- Ginny?"

She flashed a grin of very white teeth. "Hey, Harry!" She tossed her lustrous hair, which had brightened from its previous carroty colour to a rich, sunset orange.

"Pass the butter," Ron grunted, perceptive as ever.

"Here you are, Ronald!" Hermione-Sue chirped with a sunshine-y beam (though not a happy one, because she has black hair now, and no one with black hair is happy. Ever).

Harry looked at his friends in dismay.

He had never felt more alone.

**a/n:**

Aaaah I'm sorry this is so un-funny, but it was a bridge chapter between two I'd already written. Don't you hate that?

Read my stories, damnit! Particularly if'n you love Remus/Sirius. I know I do... mmm...


	8. The Someone Cometh

**The Someone Cometh**

There were another two new unknown Mary Sues in Harry's Potions class that day. Jasmine Dubois was fit and tan, skinny but curvy, her halo of chestnut curls crowning her stunning face oh-so-perfectly. Aurora Nightingale was pouty and aloof, with the mystic ability to see through the flowing black locks which forever concealed her face (but you just know it's stunning anyway; she just gave off that vibe).

The lesson began normally. Snape was being a dick to Harry again (but it's okay because he's in love with his dead mother).

Suddenly! Jasmine stood up boldly, inadvertentlydrawing the entire class' attention, and put her hands on her hips in attractive defiance. "You're being so unfair! Harry was just –"

"Shut up, Miss Dubois. I will not have such behaviour in my class. Twenty points from Griffindor, and detention."

For a moment she was flabbergasted (or she would have been, if she could be an ugly word like _flabbergasted_). Then –

Her eyes shone with sparkly green rebelliousness. "I hate you!" she retorted wittily.

Snape rolled his eyes.

"Make it a hundred, and skip the detention."


	9. Yes, Him

**Yes, Him

* * *

**

_Finally, the quest for the One Without Hormones bore fruit. But will our hero accept..._

"Snape?"

"Yes."

"Severus Snape, Snivellus, the guy with the hair?"

"Unless it's fake, and he just likes wearing a wig dipped in grease."

"Ew. Bad mental image. Okay. Let's focus."

"_I _am. You just get distracted too easily."

"That's not... But SNAPE?"

**-Five Minutes Later-**

"But, definitely the git with the massive hooknose?"

**-Fifteen Minutes After That-**

"Okay. So what we have to do is convince Snape – urh, but is it really –"

"YES!"

"– No need to shout, Harry; as I was saying, we convince Snape to round up all the Sues in one place..." His voice descended into a conspiratorial whisper.

"Sorry, didn't catch that."

"I said we shoot them all."

"Oh. Okay then."

* * *

**a/n **Quake in fear at my increasingly short chapters! Mwahahahaha.

Thank you to all my lovely reviewers!


	10. Denial Much?

**Denial Much?**

"Whatever you want Black, the answer is _no_. Now get back to headquarters before I get the vacuum out."

"What the fuck is –"

"Look," Harry cut across his godfather, "We all hate someone here – mainly Snape – but this is _important_."

Sirius looked torn between impressed and scandalised at Harry's maturity. Then he sighed. "He's right."

"When a Potter starts being _right_, it's my cue to exit," Snape replied snarkily, "so if you'll excuse me..."

"Are you telling me you seriously _want _those things here?" Sirius asked in his best Captain Planet impersonation.

Snape's whirlpool eyes snapped back to Sirius. "What do you mean?"

"The Sues, Snape. They're everywhere. And you're the only one asexual enough to resist them."

"I'm not asexual!"

"_Rrright_. You're in love with a dead girl because she's your _great love_."

"That was the general idea, yes."

"Excuses, excuses."

Snape narrowed his eyes at this, but moved on. "Isn't Dumbledore gay?"

A passing Dolores interrupted primly with. "Of course not. There is no such thing as homosexuality here."

Sirius snorted. "Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, lady."

Dolores peered suspiciously at him. "Haven't I seen you somewhere before? Possibly on an escaped homicidal maniac poster?"

"I'm an actor. Theatre, mostly. Damn economy, you know."

"You are aware that I know who you are?"

"I was afraid of that." Sirius shifted uncomfortably. "But you know – SUES! _ATTACK_!"

And with that, Dolores Umbridge was stampeded on by Mary Sues, who inherently knew that Sirius was innocent even though there was no published physical evidence whatsoever.

Sirius nudged Snape insistently. "Bet you wish you got that kinda action, huh?"

"Is the biting really necessary?" Harry asked curiously, as Snape attempted to will Sirius to spontaneously combust.

"Vampiric Sues," Sirius explained simply, while Snape swore loudly. (Fail, whale.)

Harry looked incredulously at his godfather. "That makes no sense."

"Who said it had to?"

Snape sighed, brushing whale carcass off his robes. "See, this is why I don't hang out with you."

"Sure it is, necro."


	11. Cliché Attack!

**Cliché Attack!**

"Um, so about those vampires..."

"Ignore them, Harry."

"Yeah, but check out that one's rack."

Sirius did so happily, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye. "Look at you, Harry. It seems only a moment ago that your only major interaction with women was pulling your mum's hair, and now you're scamming on hot vamp chicks. I'm so proud."

Harry's green eyes suddenly widened in terror. "Um... Sirius?"

"What? It's not like a new villain is standing behind me, a humorous technique that provides suspense, comic relief _and _makes me look like a complete arse."

Someone suddenly and not-at-all-predictably tapped a delicate finger on Sirius' shoulder.

"Okay, really? This story just got that much lamer."

**-Insert Comical Chase Scene Here-**

"WHY THE FUCK IS THIS DOOR OPENING HERE? WHAT THE FUCK!"

"It's Hogwarts, Sirius. It's _magical_."

"Yeah, but I was raised in a family of freaky fascists and even _I _know this craps all over the laws of physics."

"Physics? Is that something to do with Transfiguration?"

**-Several Facepalms Later-**

"Hello, boys."

Harry and Sirius spun around. They had reached a conveniently-placed dead end. Only Sirius didn't agree with the narrative on this point.

"Come _on_, I know this castle like the back of a beast with two backs, and I _know _there isn't a wall here!"

"Will you stop breaking the fourth wall and pay attention?"

"Why should I – holy _shit_!"

Before them was a woman – curvaceous and dimpled, with a perfect pink ensemble, deep brown eyes and a neat black bow crowning her mousse-coloured... curls... fuck.

"P-professor?" Harry managed, horror-stricken.

She chuckled softly. "Please," she smiled, raising her perfect head. "Call me Dolly."

* * *

**a/n: **Be disturbed. Be very disturbed.  
Everyone here has watched _Scooby Doo _or an equally cliche cartoon, right? I don't have to explain the chase-scene-which-craps-on-the-laws-of-physics?  
I'll take that as a yes.


	12. Meanwhile

**Meanwhile...**

"I just... I thought we had something special, you know?"

"Mm... and how does that make you feel?"

"Rejected. And bloodthirsty. And, kind of hungry."

Madam Rosier nodded sympathetically, offering the Dark Lord a box of tissues. He blew his nose – or more accurately, his nostrils – loudly.

"You were in this relationship for...?"

"Since before he was born! There was a prophecy!"

"So it was a burden, forced upon you?"

"No, of course not –"

"Your initial contact was killing his parents, correct?"

Voldie nodded sadly, still sobbing. "That's supposed to _mean _something, you know? He swore revenge and everything! But then he goes and finds himself other villains, and he didn't even tell me."

Madam Rosier tutted. "Inappropriate to say in the least. Perhaps this means it's time to find a _new _arch nemesis, one in your own age group, with a greater understanding of your needs."

"I could do that. _Or... _I could kill that Weasley guy. And his godfather, definitely. Then Dumbledore!" Voldie paused to laugh maniacally (he had an evil-laugh quota to fill), then turned back to Madam Rosier. "That'll get his attention, right?"

"So you're systematically killing off his parental figures in an attempt for recognition?"

"Yeppers."

"Let's talk about your father –"

"_Avada Kedavra_!"

While Rosier wailed piteously over the remains of his wife, Voldie snatched up the floral tissue box.

"I will be in my dark chambers, plotting! Darkly!" he proclaimed, kicking Rosier deftly in the stomach.

"Sh-shall I get the _The_ _Stepford Sues _DVDs, my Lord?" Wormtail stuttered, cowering. Or maybe that was just his natural posture. It was hard to tell, with all the cowering.

"What the hell do you think, betch?"

Wormtail scampered away, muttering, "Daddy issues."

"I DO _NOT _HAVE DADDY ISSUES!" Voldie shrieked after him. "And I want chocolates – low fat ones! You shall bear the terrible consequences if I gain another pound!"

* * *


	13. Oh My Goth

**Oh My Goth  
**

Dolly advanced on them, still smiling provocatively.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Harry commented, shuddering.

"This truly is crossing a line," Sirius said darkly. Harry was silent, his green eyes wide. Sirius nudged him, stage-whispering, "That was your cue, kid."

Harry just blinked vacantly. "Oh... my... goth."

"Yeah, never say that ag – whoa!"

One of the Vampiric Sues launched past, kicking Dolly square in the groin. Soon a whole horde was upon them, all intent on destroying Dolly, between swaying their hips and batting their eyelashes.

"Is it just me, or are there a _lot _of Vampiric Sues?" Harry remarked mildly.

"Team Edwaaaaaaard!" one squealed, as she crashed fatally through a window.

"What the fuck does that even mean?" asked Sirius.

"I don't know. After all, this is the _nineties._ Just thought I should point it out."

Once Dolly had been strangled, burned, suffocated, knifed, bludgeoned and sent to another dimension, the Sueiest of all the Sues approached them.

"Are you okay, Harry?" she trilled.

Harry was wary. "Why are they being so nice to me?" he murmured to Sirius.

"You're the Main Character. It comes with benefits."

"Like the incredible psychological trauma that should well be debilitating but isn't?"

"Exactly. So just sit back and enjoy."

"Don't be fooled!" Dolly cried, prying her way out of the world full of shrimp. "They may be Main Characters, but they're trying to destroy us all!"

The Sues steadfastly ignored her, and were only getting more eager.

"Time to flee," Sirius panted.

"But we're Gryffindors. We never run away!"

"Fuck that. Come on!"

They raced down the corridor, one Sue still valiantly clinging to Harry's mismatched socks. Harry deftly kicked her off. "Who the hell are you?"

"Contessa Vera Emilia Fiona Rosa Ravina Noir. – a. Before you were even born, our parents met and made an agreement. We're engaged, Harry love!"

"Well," Harry said loudly, over Sirius' blatant sniggering, "That's nice and all, but I didn't really agree to that –"

"But _Harry_," CVEFRRN purred, scarlet eyes overflowing with sudden tears, "You are my life now!"

Harry yanked his arm away. "I don't want to be your life!"

At which CVEFGHIJKLMNOPURHEJRNNNRRN wailed briefly before fading away.

"Mary Sues can't exist without a romantic interest. It's 98% of their personality."

"Personality?"

"You know what I mean."


End file.
